Perpetually Drafted Memories
Experiencing enhanced meta-cognitive-like ability, as awesome as it might be, will potentially put one’s into some kind of weird situation, that’s really hard to navigate—
Take say, the strongest will and belief system into account, such as the theological or weirdly— supernatural approach, those aren’t gonna help much, believe it or not.
Have you ever once in your life, feels like your conciousness are split into multiple states, and the You you don’t get a say as to which state you get to pick?
No, I don’t talk about when you are under the influence of some kind of substances or something like that, just pure human brain thingy, I think—
Let me add some context before this preamble drafted for far too long, it happened really fast, yet, feels really long as if you are dreaming while you’re asleep, it feels like hours but when you check the time, it just happens for a few seconds.
And due to the circumstances, some understanding might have had lost, so please forgive me for I am still a human being with nothing, but a limited-everything.
I think the events leading up to this moment, of some kind of.. epiphany were the combination of things that I stumbled upon today that were accidentally ordered, triggering some kind of chained commands for a particular neuron-activation mechanism.
The only good thing from that, as the thing is happening, is that it reignites something within me that was previously dying, into some extent that, I just assumed those things don’t matter anymore.
Well, the preamble still took too long anyway, heh~
The whole body really tired, the right hand holding the phone as the thumb keeps scrolling mindlessly without even a shred of expectation onto what to be stumbled upon next,
The eyes were looking without much focus at the lit-up pixels of the said phone screen, while also simultaneously staring blankly at the wall behind it,
When the heart suddenly feels really heavy, with huge wave of emotions crashing, with very-unclear direction as to what it really wanted to convey,
The brain try to take over control, when suddenly an overwhelming amount of thoughts comes to attack,
Lost motoric control, the whole body goes to an unsynchronized state, where it does things that do not make sense with what its currently experiencing,
The lip can’t stop putting up a really weird big smile, leading to uncontrolled weird laugh, to the point that the muscle became hurt,
The whole self became a big pile of flesh, with no sense of presence, with no sense of what, where, why, and how.
The waves of memories, of all the memorable places with all the memorable people, for all the good and bad experiences of such places, flash before the eyes—
Recollecting every corner of all the feelings, all the conversations, happy, sad, anger and loving moments as if I re-live all those moments in an instant—
Remembering all the things I shouldn’t or should have done, and all the things I shouldn’t or should have say—
Formulating endlessly, calculating every possible combination that will result in more plausible and wiser next steps—
Formulating endlessly, calculating every possible combination that can undo mistakes I’ve done in the past to make things turn out slightly better yet—
Formulating endlessly, calculating every possible combination that can make the present moment worth living for—
Then suddenly, drops of tears pooled at the very corner of the eyes, and as it finally fell soaking the very fabric of the shirt, brought a horrendously indescribable wave of strong painful emotion—
All those happening at the same time, while the lips can’t stop it’s big weird smile.
“Why am I, at this very moment, have the ability to observe all of those things happening?”
“Why am I, at this very moment, have to experience all of those things?”
“Why am I, at this very moment, lost all control over my own self?”
The feeling, as the observer, is similar to the feeling when I watch a movie in a big screen, it’s so immersive, but I have no control over what happens next.
But at the same time, I am also the same person who’s acting in the movie on the screen.
I both, observe and experience the things that’s happening, it’s kinda hard to describe.
In this state of turmoil, having to dance with complete uncertainty, while losing control over my own physical and consciousness, put things in— somewhat quite clearer perspective.
With what do I, possibly can overcome, these overlapping, overwhelming, and uncertain states?
Can I ask God for help? do I deserve, for I rarely ever, really come to God while I am in a better circumstances.
Am I somehow being possessed, or crossing some kind of path with, if exists, other dimensional beings?
Or is this the end of the Me?
After what seemingly very complex and long journey of timeless memories, emotional turmoil, slight revelations, and flashbacks of tragedy upon tragedy, with nothing that even so slightly signals that it eventually will end—
A very comforting wave of feeling, kinda like light vibration, goes through each and every part of the body, with so slowly gaining control over, and the deepest breath that I have ever taken in my life, I return.
With only about 10 seconds, elapsed.
You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.
-Marcus Aurelius